America Votes: 2008

I have just shaved off my beard and now I am putting a vote to the world whether I should regrow it and the various stages at which I can have facial hair. Cast your ballot today! And remember, when you vote, everybody wins. Except Mutton Chops Man. That dude totally does not reside anywhere close to the realm of possibility on my face!

Candidate one:

Beard of Bees Boy:


Running Mate: Rasputin


Beard of Bees Boy is stuck in the ways of the old folks. His political facial hair growing experience comes from his part in several 1980's soap operas. He hails from Oscoda, Michigan. Definitely a candidate that can swing the "red" states! Don't let that serious look on his face or the squinty look in his eyes fool you (nor his running mate), he can have fun and is definitely not from Redbeard China!

Rasputin says that if he would be a great vice-president because of his inability to die. Mr. Bees Boy found him in working in Moscow, Idaho working as a masseuse. Apparently he works magic with his hands and plans on conjuring up some sorcery to take care of the crime problem in America.


Candidate two:

Johnny Handlebar Moustache


Running Mate: Rollie Fingers


Johnny served as chairman for Bikers with Handlebars. He innovated new ways of shaving back in the 1970's but now people are saying that he is resistant to change. He has been much maligned in the papers due to being affiliated with some pretty shady types. Do the Hell's Angels ring a bell? He promises that his fun ways are way behind him and he is looking to associate himself with many promising cabinet members if elected. He promises to reach beyond party lines and even chin lines to improve the standard of grooming for all!

Rollie Fingers adds years of moustachery to this brave candidate. His spitball skills shows that he is not afraid to cut corners or use devious tactics to get ahead. Be advised!



Candidate three:

Angry Moustache Man


Running Mate: George Moustachington


Angry Moustache Man has been compared to many notable figures from history. Charlie Chaplin and George Moustachington come to mind. Some say that he might have an alternate agenda and that if he is elected, he will rally all the youth of Facialhairlandia into growing facial hair similar to his own and forcing all people with different facial hair into barbershops that use really harsh shaving cream. It is a scary thought but he says he just wants to unite the people. His website angrymoustacheman.com has some pretty harsh opinions about people the other candidates, but he says that they were written by someone else and he just signed it. hhhmmmmmmm. When asked if he always looks like the above pictured and he responded by saying that he was in a staring contest with his little brother when he was five and his face just stuck that way.

George Moustachington is a proven leader that has snubbed the Whig Party in favor of the Tiny Angry Moustache Party. He won several battles, most notably the Battle at Valley Fu-rge Manchu.

Candidate Four:

Clean Shaven McGee

Running Mate: Mr. Clean


Clean Shaven McGee says that he is THE face of the youth. His tactics and debating skills are smooth, to be sure, but does he have the experience necessary to lead a nation? He definitely has a clean record. We meticulously groomed his records for any signs of rough patches, but couldn't find any hairy situations that he has been involved in. Some people say that he is too soft on hair crimes, but he proclaims that he has been shampooed and conditioned to love his neighbor. Truly an inspiring candidate!

Mr. Clean was a no-brainer as a choice for Veep running mate with Clean Shaven McGee. Both have a knack for clean politics and are looking to sweep out the dirt from Moustachington.